Metalelujah!
by Treacle Parcheesi
Summary: Roy Koopa recount of his shell-spinning, fist-punching, tail-whooping adventures in the Land of Confusion, where he fights the forces of evil, saves fair Koopa maidens, and discover the lost tribes of the Mushroom World.


Until... What I believed were just moments ago, but has now actually turnd into years, I was nothing but an insignificant pawn. Deceptively packed with action, my existence revolved around doing little more than what was expected of me, following a strategy that was custom-made for me by someone far more hungry for power than I was, only to see them fail again and again. Until I decided it was time to get up on my own two feet, put my gold coins where my mouth was, and to be my own man.

I am Roy Koopa. Yes, that Roy Koopa. Though I am still totally ripped and handsome as all get out, I'm no longer the Koopaling you remember. I disowned my father, left my home, family and title behind for the greater good. What greater good, you ask? Well, as it is in all the good stories, it was a lady. What could be a greater good than one of those.

But to truly understand where I'm coming from, we'll need to start from the beginning.

* * *

My father, Bowser, paced back and forth between the whiteboards with less space left than enough for someone to write their name. "So when the Marios see you standing on the tops of your castles, he should immediately want to set course for them. That's what he always does, right?"

"Right!" my other siblings said enthusiatically. Their faith in our father has never seen as much as a tiny scratch. I on the other hand was sick of his perpetually-doomed pipe dreams.

"Wrong," I said. "By the time Mario gets to our castle he'll have his pockets packed with ammunition from nature's own forage. Thirty little fireballs are enough to incapacitate any of us, and that goes for you too, Dad."

King Dad turned around, and his eyes zeroed in on mine. Despite being the largest and supposedly strongest of his species, there was just something to his eyes that didn't quite match his brute force. A childlike glimmer of immaturity; the source of all his purile ideas, shone through and became more and more obvious to me as I grew older.

"That's why I have Boom Boom to cover you," he said, nodding. He was used to getting whatever he wanted just because he was the king, and strong enough to use a personfor a sling. But I had stopped being afraid of him at that point.

"Boom Boom?" I dared to scoff in front of my father. "Underneath that muscle he's dumber than a bag of hammers and Lemmy put together, and Mario has beaten them before without even moving his arms. Offense intended," I added, while I glanced aside at my tiny brother.

"Taken and used to wipe my wazoo," he replied, sounding bored while doing so. I have long suspected that he was not merely the spaz people make him out to be.

King Dad growled and tilted his head; an instinct we Koopas have retained for thousands of years, to respond with anger to a threat rather than submission. But I didn't back down either, as I knew I was right.

"Maybe I'll put you in the ice land this time, to see if it'll cool you off." Dad knew I hated cold places.

"Won't be necessary," I growled back. "Because I won't be joining you. Not this time. I've had it with plumbers, Goombas, Airships and putting K's in front of everything. I'm just done always being on the losing side."

I had taken for granted that I'd be alone in this argument as always, but this time my brothers and sister nodded in agreement and muttered.

King Dad did not like this at all. "I will not have _insubordiancient_!" He sputtered. "I'm the king here, and I decide how we do stuff!"

Ludwig rose from his armchair. "Most of us will have come of age by the time you've designed a battle strategy and rounded up troops and supplies. Before you can say "your princess is in another castle" we'll be legally adults and free to leave the castle."

"You can't leave!" King Dad said, sounding like Iggy the time I told him there as no Santa Claus. You didn't hear that. "You don't have my permission to grow up!"

Kamek, King Dad's right hand, intervened, which was a rare occurrence. "Before anyone says anything they'll regret for an hour, let's all get some sleep. It's late."

My siblings left for their rooms, and Dad lumbered after, fuming. Letting us have our own rooms was another odyssey, as King Dad was very much against us splitting up as a group in any way. We all slept in the same room; the Koopaling nursery, for years and probably would have continued to do so if Wendy hadn't begun to complain about the amount and intensity of offensive odors as me and my brothers entered puberty.

Kamek held me back, however. "Master Roy. This is the third time you and your father have argued this week, and it's only Monday. We have been over this before. And right now I feel compelled to ask; are you rebelling simply to rebel?"

I scoffed again, adding some sparks this time. I would have liked Kamek if he hadn't been such a tailkisser. Back then I remember having the most difficult time understanding why someone with more life experience and brains than the rest of the Koopa Troop put together could have such a hard time wrapping their head around the idea that a man or woman may disagree with an elder, kinship be damned.

It's not easy for any teenage boy to articulate a this eloquent opinion, so I settled for punching him in the shoulder. King Dad would probably have sent me to the dungeon for that; besides himself, no one else is allowed to abuse Kamek. Retreating to my room, I grabbed my wand and started minimizing items I would need.

* * *

I ran away from home a lot as a kid. Ever since Mama passed away, my father and I have had a pretty rocky relationship, and whenever I got fed up with his crap, I would pack some stuff and set course for the Land of Confusion, a vast forest that separates Dark Land from the Mushroom Kingdom. It's said that it's a maze of warp zones and that there are kingdoms and tribes; ancient societies that obey no rules but their own. I hadn't seen anything out of the ordinary when taking little vacations there. Yet.

There's a little log cabin where I spent my cooling-off time. As usual it was equipped with everything a Koopa like me would enjoy; a couch, a television and a fridge stocked with beer and other illegal goodies. After cleaning up some dust and acorn shells after the little squirrel family that spent the winter here, it was ready for a week of slacking off. I never brought anyone here. It was my sanctuary.

I found the hammock folded away in the cabinet and after suspending it between some trees, I decided to shine the hooks in my tackle box. I never bring any food with me here, as the lake right next to the cabin is full of char. They're good with fried potatoes. While I sorted and polished them I listened to the sounds of the woods. Only birds singing, and wind making the leaves rustle and tree tops creak. I felt much better already.

Something however, interrupted my meditation time. The first time I heard it I dismissed it as a bird or maybe a Snifit, but the second time I realized it was a woman screaming. It came from across the lake.

Deciding not to take any chances, I grabbed my wand and machete, neccessary to mow your way through all the tall weeds. Her voice became clearer as I braved the muddy, grassy banks.

"Aahh!" The Koopa girl screeched as the long, thorny vines grabbed a hold of her arms. Others, just as long an just as thorny began shredding her scant dress. She noticed me, and her eyes widened. I suddenly felt the need to be very brave, and very foolish at the same time. I swung my scepter, but the magic was not strong enough to destroy the vines. What was this thing? I just thought this chick had a brush with a rogue Piranha Plant, but I couldn't see a head anywhere. Instead some really nice deep red roses began blooming from the thorns, and they smelt, sweet, like...

"Ah, shit! It's fucking poison!" I grabbed my machete, and chopped the vine clean off before the deadly substance could incapacitate me. Hacking all the way to the girl, I tried to hold my breath. Some rays of sun were reflected by the blade, and as they hit the creatures' foliage, the organism began to melt and disappear into nothingness.

The girl fell to the ground and I ran over to her to make sure that she was OK. As soon as I confirmed that she was breathing I allowed myself to stare at her. She was beautiful; holy shit, she was beautiful. A ten out of ten knockout. Her lips were heart-shaped and red, her hair was long, curly and just as pink as my head, and her scales were gorgeous, like... well, gorgeous. Other things on her body were über awesome as well.

"Are you OK?" I asked as soon as she opened her eyes. I helped her sit up.

"You speak like Toads," she said. "Tongue of newcomers."

I frowned. "What?"

"You not of the woods." Her voice was so warm and friendly. "You of fire mountains."

Those gorgeous, chocolate eyes stare deeply into mine. "You of such strength." She kneaded my arms with her lovely fingers. Then she kissed me. I had no idea why, but I do know why I didn't mind it one bit.

"You save my life," she purred. I felt her snout on my neck as she showed me just how grateful she was. I felt her positioning herself. Wow, I thought to myself. Not only is this happening for the first time, but it's happening in the nice warm woods with what must be the hottest chick on this planet.

And it was even better than I had thought it was. Her body was warm against mine, and the way she moved, the way she sounded, and how she treated me made me feel like a real man. In that moment I was. I can only hope she loved it as much as I did, as I did my best to please her as well as she did me. At the end I must have felt what she did, but I was too busy staring at her, listening to the sounds she made, the sounds _we _made. At the spectacular ending she sighed something into my ear, that I did not understand, but really enjoyed the sound of.

"I like," she muttered with her head resting on my chest.

"So," I said while holding her hand in mine, kissing it. "What's your name?"

She looked a little shy about having knocked boots with me without even sharing names. "I am Kara-Shehr."

I had her write this down for me later. "Mind if I called you something like... Lynnie?"

She giggled. "Pretty."

"Yeah." I brushed her hair away from her face. "I'm Roy. Roy Koopa."

"Who you live with?" She asked, eyes shifting.

"None at the moment," I replied. "I just came to these woods to camp and fish."

Lynnie nodded and took my hand. She was surprisingly strong as it was her turn to help me to my feet. "Then you follow me home to my village. Keep me safe."

I took her hand, but she was the one to lead me, away from the lake and beyond the forest, to a part of the Mushroom Kingdom I had never even heard of or read about in books. The stars above began to swirl and colorful galaxies opened up to my eyes, just as my eyes began to open to Lynnie's world. I was grateful, because all of a sudden my feet were no longer on the ground; we were walking in space! We entered a spiral- shaped motherload of planets and glittering constellations just by sitting down on a passing ice comet packed with Star Bits. Lynnie had obviously taken this route before, but I just sat and gawped at the awesomeness of the universe. Whoa. Everything rocks in space, I thought to myself.

Suddenly the comet homed in on a speck of light in the distance, and I held on to Lynnie. She lowered her head, and I followed suit. The comet hit the ground outside the wormhole with a smash, releasing the Star Bits and ourselves.

"Woosh!" I said, immediately feeling like a total tool. "Holy shit!"

Lynnie laughed, a sweet sound that I have yet to get sick of. She collected some of the Star Bits, and I helped her, stacking them by the trunk of a big pine tree. "This my village," she said. "Welcome."

The tree we put the Star Bits under was not at all a tree; it's a statue, meticulously sculpted and made to look like a tree. Even the pine needles were all painted in a different shade of green.

Two guards, burly Koopas, descended from the branches. They said something to Lynnie, but all I recognized was "Kara-Shehr". The bowed before her, and I was allowed to enter the darkness behind the fake trees.

I had no idea what to expect as the branches opened up, but what I had anticipated the least was a really tight village. Houses, not built, but carved out of boulders and stacked on top of one another emanated cozy light. Moss had grown on them as well as vines, from which the residents had hung lanterns. There was a square in the middle, surrounded by low bleachers and rocks, presumably places to sit. A fire was roaring on top of a large pile of stones. When I looked closer I realized that the fire came out of a large Chain Chomp's fearsome, open maw.

When the villagers saw Lynnie, they immediately rushed to her side, speaking their strange language and took care of her. She was obviously someone special, as several elderly, robed Koopas flocked around her. She then pointed to me, and the other girls ran up to me, and their handshakes and nudges felt oddly congratulatory.

"They know you save my life," Lynnie said. "And that we love in forest."

"Whoa," I stopped in my tracks. "You told them?"

"Of course," she replied, looking at me as if I was joking.

She dragged me all the way to where the elders were standing. I was afraid they would order my head cut off, or boil me in oil, or at least give me the "what-are-your-intentions-with-my-daughter" speech and then kick my ass. But they didn't. Instead they approached me with open arms.

"Mountain Koopa," they said with their booming voices. "Welcome to our village!"

I was very confused at this point. They shook my hands, patted my shoulders, and smiled jovially is if I was a beloved family member finally returning home. After leading me to the town square they announced: "Princess Kara-Shehr has returned home safely!"

Everyone around us cheered, and some came out from their houses, while curious children poked their head out from the round windows.

Princess? Lynnie stood next to me, now wearing an open, blue and light purple robe and wearing a tiara of wildflowers.

The abnormally tall Magikoopa held my arm up, as if I were a triumphant wrestler. "The Koopa from the mountains of fire has saved the princess and brought her back to us, like the prophecy said! All hail Star Breeze!"

At the sound of the name the villagers fell to their knees under the open sky. Star Breeze or Rosalina as she's also called; the supposed overseer of the universe. Two thousand years ago she was an adored object of devotion and worship among the Koopa tribes, until the Toads put the Koopas' traditions, which they called savage rituals, to a brutal stop. Of course they deny having any part in the bloodbath where 98 percent of the Koopa population of the Mushroom World was exterminated, and the rest banished to Dark Land.

Standing among the unknown tribe on the planet I could hardly fathom what I had found; an actual free state. But I myself had never believed in the Rosalina-stories. I had just read about it in comic books and thought of it as only a story.

After a moment or two of silent worship, the Koopas stood up. One of them, about my age, came up to me carrying a lance that was blunt on the top. "Princess is saved by Koopa, now she may choose a house head. She be the heart; if Koopa of Fire Mountain win tournament!"

Everybody roared in excitement. "What does this mean?" I asked.

"You enter tournament, you win, get Princess," the elder said, just as excited as the younger Koopas. The crowd formed a line which took me and the others to an arena that resembled an amphitheatre. My brother Ludwig taught me that word.

"Let's have a game of... Reznor jousting!"

A drawbridge fell down with a dramatic boom, revealing two huge rhino - like creatures; Reznors, and their incredibly muscular wrangler. He lead them out on the sandy arena by massive ship chains. The Reznors were ready for battle, they stomped their clumpy feet and roared, but the wrangler did not call the challenger or me up to them before some of the tribeswomen had placed on the animals' back, not saddles but mats made out of woven together chestnuts; like taxi beads. As I was helped up on the Reznor's back, I couldn't help but think that the only thing missing was a plastic crown.

Lynnie reached me a long spear, like the one my opponent had. "Ride now," she purred. I don't know what the admirers of my opponent said to him, but I guess they were supportive as well.

I yielded the lance as best as I could, and under me, the Reznor began jogging forwards with lumbering, but no less quick steps. Man, this thing could run! I tried to hold on as best as I could and at the same time point the lance. I was relieved to see that my opponent was not a better rider than myself.

Just as I lowered the spear, the Reznor began to gallop. A cloud of sand danced about me and the mount, making it hard to see. My heart was pounding like a jackhammer and I strained with my tail to keep my balance, as the beaded mat was a slide under me.

I saw the spear - although too blunt to penetrate my plastron, it would have knocked me off the Reznor and given me a juicy shiner, if not mine had been pointed a little higher. I hit my opponent hard, and he skidded right off the mount.

One of the Tribe's elders blew a triumphant fanfare on a gold trumpet, that almost drowned in the applause, whistling and cheers from the audience. "The winner is Fire Mountain Koopa!"

Lynnie and her girlfriends gathered around me and placed fresh laurels on my head. That made me feel really good about myself. My opponent had gotten up from the sand and brushed himself off. It surprised me to see him just as happy as everyone else, and his entourage had not lost interest in him; rather, they put laurels on his head as well. Not as big as mine, though. Later I learned that what I just had participated in was not a duelling tournament, but an initiation, and this was how the Forever Tribe; Lynnie's people, welcomed their new friends.

Everyone returned to the village, where the women began preparing food, and the men carried wood to the Great Chomp. Lynnie and her sweet friends had me sit down in the sand, which I found oddly comfortable, while painting symbols on my shell and scales in glittering paint.

"It's a potion," Lynnie explained in her warm voice. "Cleanse filth of Mushroom World."

Indeed; I felt much better, more awake. When they were done giving me their makeover, they took me the the Elders' cottage. His abode was just as sparse as anyone elses', with sturdy wooden furniture, a hearth with a fire burning low, and a bookcase packed with books and bamboo scrolls.

The Koopa; Elder Kroop, instructed me to sit on a mat next to the open fire. "Star Breeze appear in fire of ancient world," he said. "Fire of ancient world sent you to us. Fire of your homeland speak to sky, and lead you, son of King Koopa, to our princess. Now she lead you to us, the Forever Tribe."

I think what Elder Kroop tried to say was that he believed me finding Lynnie was destiny.

"Fate be fickle," he said and nodded. "So I ask it of you if you want to be with Forevers."

Lynnie's face lit up with a smile, however, Elder Kroop shook his head at her, this was my decision. "Fire Mountain Koopa, if you stay here, you must give up your title as Dark Land Koopa prince, your wand, and everything that you own in Mushroom World.

The choice seemed easy enough, but my brothers still lived at home, and despite our differences, I felt like I owed them a decent goodbye. On the other hand I understood that to be one's own man, you have to dare to be selfish.

"I accept," I said to Elder Kroop, and Lynnie was ecstatic.

The wizard nodded, and lifted his magic gem over my hands as he held them over the fire. It didn't burn. "Fire Mountain Koopa, welcome to the Forever Village, and the Land of Confusion!"

My iron cuffs; family heirlooms and regalia of the House of Koopa, opened up, and fell off my wrists and into the flames, where they were destroyed. It was a great relief, but I felt a little sad too. I was no longer a prince, no longer a Koopaling, but a liberated Koopa.

My new freedom made me feel so vulnerable at first. We Koopas are not solitary creatures; we form our own societies when none other can be found, and don't restrict citizenship to only our own species. Loneliness is deadly to us.

Elder Kroop knew this as well as anyone. Therefore he called for his assistants. "Before great eating of food, prepare new house for Fire Mountain Koopa. He can live there with Princess Kara-Shehr."

"The great eating of food" was actually an understatement in my opinion. The men and women of the villagers were avid and able hunters and gatherers and though I had been to some rather well-catered parties already, I had no idea how this feast would ever come to an end. Drummers, flutists and even some tough-looking guitarists played a spine-chilling tune which made the women dance. Their twirled mid-air; even the heavier ones were graceful as hell, and to my surprise, they _jumped _through the fire! It didn't even singe them! I stood up and stared at my naked wrists, and walking up the stacked stones to the roaring flames of the Great Chomp, I figured I'd come out on the other side of the fire either an unharmed Koopa, or medium rare. I leapt, and while I was in the air I could feel the heat from the blaze, but I didn't burn. When I landed on my feet in the sand, I was the same old, same old. What possessed me to do it? Curiosity and hubris, I suppose.

The others liked it, though, and after applauding me it was time to eat. It was a long, fun and eventful evening. When the Great Chomp closed its eyes Elder Kroop declared it was time to rest, and he showed us all to the chestnut tree outside his cottage. Everyone climbed into it, resting in individual nests perched on the tree's branches. I had never slept in a nest before. Being a spoiled rich kid had its perks, but Lynnie and her people showed me that I had missed out on a lot of things, too.

Fortunately for me the times to come would let me catch up on them.


End file.
